Swami Salami Predicts…

Tue   31 Dec 12:22 pm EDT © 2002 Kevin McGehee [Laugh, Dammit!] [blogoSFERICS 1.0]

Well, 2003 has begun to descend upon Asia, so it’s time for some predictions for the new year. Unlike most other nations, Iraq will repeal its income tax and impose instead an “Incoming!!!” tax, whereby the regime will seize any shrapnel or intact shell casings from American munitions lobbed into Iraqi-held territory, to be melted down and cast into medals for Saddam Hussein’s coffin. Osama bin Laden will finally give a “live” interview—to John Edward. Trent Lott will say something stupid. Patty Murray will say something even more stupid. Michael Moore will say something that actually makes sense—and promptly retract it, claiming he’d been taken out of context. One or another of Yasser Arafat’s rivals for control of the Palestinian “Authority” will finally vote him off the planet, but it will of course be blamed on Israel’s Mossad. There will be absolutely no remarkable weather at all, anywhere, in all of 2003—which will be presented as conclusive proof of global warming. Democrats will accuse Republicans of heinous, unspeakable things, which no one will think the least bit worthy of comment. A Republican will tell a mild joke at a Democrat’s expense, be accused of verbal terrorism, have his entire personal life investigated and publicized in the press, and become the newest “proof” that the Republican Party is really a coalition of the Ku Klux Klan, the Nazi Party, and the American Cannibal Club. Alec Baldwin will threaten to move to Europe. Europeans will beg him to reconsider. Alec Baldwin will claim he never threatened to move to Europe. Americans will beg him to reconsider. At one time or another during the year, the following will be frontrunners for the Democratic presidential nomination: John Kerry, Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Daschle, Dick Gephardt, Howard Dean, Joe Lieberman, Al Gore, and Walter Mondale. However in Florida the frontrunner throughout the year will be Pat Buchanan. Al Gore will publish another book, this one titled Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot. Senator Spongebob Hairplugs will sue Gore for plagiarism. Time Magazine, after much highly charged controversy over who is being considered for 2003’s “Person of the Year”, will instead choose to award the title of “Useful Office Supply of the Year”—to the paper clip. Soon after, pundits will claim the stapler was wrongly snubbed. In late December, the year will end, and an entire world will give a sigh of relief. Again. Well, that’s the opening act. Click here for the headliner. UPDATE, 10:30 p.m. ET: I see that InstaPundit has linked to this post, which is a pleasant surprise. I’d been leaving him alone lately so he didn’t get an e-mail from me. Who’s my benefactor?   Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.